"Talk weird you would if puppet with hand up ass you were" - Star Wars at the Right Time in the Right Order

Content: Star Wars bi-trilogy

Introduction: Growing up, my friend Jenny was fond of saying that there were only three worthwhile wars in all of human history: the Civil War, World War II, and Star Wars. Prior to 1999, many people agreed with Hooper X from Chasing Amy, who called it “the Holy Trilogy.” For many people my age, the original Star Wars trilogy is not just pop culture or great movies. They’re American myth, Joseph Campbell made real and internalized in our hearts and souls. And despite George Lucas’ best efforts to turn an American culture quasi-religious experience into a vehicle for Happy Meal sales, the Star Wars series (and I’m going to include the cartoon movie The Clone Wars in this conversation for the sake of completeness) remains one of the most significant monuments of American culture.

Dream’s Age at Introduction: 5 for A New Hope, and we’ll go from there in the order that the films appeared in the theaters. The prequels will remain just that; they will not become the first three movies of the franchise.

Reason for That Age: The original Star Wars movie, A New Hope, is really a fairy tale played out on a movie screen. It’s Jack and the Beanstalk or Aladdin: A young boy goes on an adventure larger than he ever could have imagined and becomes a hero. Under that classification, A New Hope is appropriate at almost any age.; whenever you start reading fairy tales to your kids, they are old enough to watch A New Hope. But I disagree for two reasons. First, having the visuals to accompany the story is scary for little kids, and the visuals for Star Wars fantastic. Second, I want Dream to appreciate the importance of what he or she is watching. These aren’t just fun movies. They are a cultural milestone and Dream should be properly pumped up to watch them.

As noted above, I’ll start Dream on A New Hope and move on from there, exposing the child to each movie in the order in which they were released, preventing Dream from viewing the movies in their “proper” order. This is for several reasons.

• First, and most importantly, screw you George Lucas. If you are blessed enough to give birth to historically relevant content that affects millions of people, you don’t get to mess around with it after the fact. Da Vinci didn’t get to paint legs on the Mona Lisa; Mozart didn’t get to write The Divorce of Figaro. Lucas doesn’t get to remodel the Star Wars trilogy as a sequel to a vanity project. George, just take a bow and admire your huge contribution to western civilization. Having said that, I recognize that artists retain rights to their work. So be it. I will honor Lucas’ desire to make another billion dollars on Star Wars by revealing the prequel chapters as prequels. (I should add that I don’t think the prequels are as bad as some people do. They are not nearly as well written, directed, acted, etc. as the original movies, but they are fairly entertaining and answer some questions from the first three movies.)

• Second, I’m not sure I could live with myself if I allowed Dream to be in a position to say “I don’t know Dad, the ones with Luke seem kind of lame. Nothing cool happens during the light saber fights.” Dream deserves better than that, and I worry that kids care too much about the computer graphics. By watching the original trilogy first, Dream will realize that its story is vastly superior to the prequels and won’t be taken by their slickness. It’s the rule of primacy.

• Third, Lucas once said that the big surprise of the original trilogy is that Luke is Darth Vader’s son and that the big surprise of the prequels is that Darth Vader started as an innocent child. To a certain extent, I agree with that analysis. But both surprises are blown by watching the prequels first.

Based on how Dream responds to A New Hope, I’ll move on the Empire Strikes Back, etc. Ideally, it’d be great to do these in six to eight consecutive weekends, but it might stretch out over a couple years.

What I Want Dream to Get Out of It: Dream should be ready to engage in intelligent conversation about this major cultural achievement. That’s the most practical benefit. On top of that, Dream should also really love the franchise, getting caught up in the mythological elements of the sweeping epic. If he or she doesn’t want a light saber after watching Star Wars, I’ll be disappointed.

Be content,
John